The politics of the office romance

We spend 40-plus hours of week at work so it comes as no surprise that the office is the number one destination spot for singles looking to make a love connection. But most people are ambivalent about mixing business with pleasure and if the relationship sours, one or both of you could be in jeopardy of losing a good job. What’s a lovelorn employee to do?

“Office romance enhances something called ‘engagement’ which is the Holy Grail of an employee’s commitment to a company’s success,” says Stephanie Losee, co-author of the book, Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding— and Managing— Romance on the Job. Losee and her writing partner Helaine Olen, have been married for 16 years to men they met at work. “We weren’t looking for love at work, but it just turned out that’s where we were meeting the men we ended up dating. Of course we had both heard the warnings about how God awful it’s supposed to be.”

According to an online poll conducted by the Society of Human Research Management (SHRM) and CareerJournal.com, a Web site of The Wall Street Journal, 40 percent of workers engaged in office romance and 42 percent of those ultimately got married.


So if you’re in a work environment in which there are many more attractive coworkers than you cacan count, is it truly okay to pursue love while hammering out the edits on the article due for that week’s deadline?

Five reasons that romancing the coworker is a do

Brad Pitt met Angelina Jolie on the set of a movie and today they have six children together. Possibly the greatest example of romancing the coworker is that of Michelle and Barack Obama who met as associates at a corporate law firm. The story of their office romance began with Mrs. Obama’s one month long refusal to accept the romantic gestures of the future president over concern that a relationship would be deemed inappropriate— she was his advisor at the time. Thankfully, she caved in to the charms of Barack Obama and the rest they say is history.

“HR professionals who say they are firmly against all office romance are perhaps not divulging the degree to which they recognize its ubiquity and benefits to the company,” Losee points out.

Research from SHRM shows that while company HR verbally frown upon interoffice relationships, a 72 percent of companies do not have an existing written or verbal policy prohibiting romantic relationships between their workers.

It’s tragic to think what would have happened, or not happened, if Michelle and Barack Obama’s law firm had a “no love between coworkers” policy.

Still, if you’re considering a relationship with a colleague or are currently in one, here are some tips to keep in mind for a successful professional and personal relationship.

5. Coworkers involved in romance tend to work better and more efficiently together because they’re involved. They will often bring the work home and collaborate better in the workplace as a result of the time they spend together— there’s a 20 percent increase in productivity after a couple falls in love, Losee adds. “When both paychecks are coming from the same corporation, you can imagine the importance to the couple in helping that corporation succeed. Everybody wins,” she says.

4. Do understand that making your work a priority is a great way to make a positive impression on the coworker that has your attention. Use this as an excuse to collaborate, exchange ideas, and produce great work. You’ll not only have your love’s attention, you’ll have the adoration of your boss as well.

3. Do use the work environment to gauge a future mate’s character. If you’ve got a coworker who works hard, is open and honest with their opinions but not overly critical, you’ve got yourself a winner. Stay in close proximity with your coworker love interest and with any luck you’ll both rocket to the top together.

2. “Make sure your romance has a life outside the office and that you weren’t driven into each other’s arms because you are the battle-scarred victims of a rotten boss,” advises Losee. If you’re coming together purely for work reasons, there’s a strong possibility that the relationship will fizzle outside of the office. You’re probably spending too much time on work projects so make time to enjoy each other’s personal interests and hobbies outside of the office.

1. Do make your job and its duties your number one priority. As long as you can be realistic about your expectations of the relationship, you should be fine if it doesn’t work out. All good things do sometimes come to an end, but it doesn’t mean your responsibility as a worker ends too.

Five reasons that romancing the coworker is a don’t

You’ve read all the reasons to pursue love on the job but now it’s time to seriously think about the repercussions that this can have on your future with the company. While there’s no denying the joy of being in a romantic relationship with a colleague, there are some very obvious perils of mixing business with pleasure— for employees and employers alike.

Likewise David Letterman has gotten himself into a bind with his office romances. The best thing about these celebrity sex scandals is for you to learn what not to do.

“I have a pure generalization that I think people should try to live by at work— ‘no fishing off the company pier.’ I also had a manager who used to say, ‘don’t get your honey where you make your money,’” says Chris Rafter, senior human resources professional. “In my opinion people should soberly consider whether getting into a relationship is worth what may be at risk,” he says.

Here are some tips on things you should not do when it comes to office romance:

5. Don’t go chasing coworkers if your intention is just for a casual hook-up. People go to work to earn a living and people go to bars for a drink and a good time. Your job is not the place for pick-ups and quickie office flings. It hurts the integrity of the workplace and your reputation as a serious worker— not to mention that you could be putting yourself at risk for a sexual harassment suit if you play the field with too many coworkers.

4. “Don’t use company email, IM, or text. These technologies are not private,” Losee warns. So remind yourself and your sweetheart that while you are at work, you should not be using the company Internet to exchange romantic or sexually explicit emails.

3. Try not to get involved in a relationship in which one partner is a boss and the other is a subordinate. According to the SHRM research, most workers discouraged this type of pairing— 80 percent of employers and 60 percent of employees agreed that this was off limits.

Definitely do not get involved if one or more of the interested parties are married and/or involved in a committed relationship. Hold tight and withhold from acting on your desires because the consequences of being found out could end with one or both of you having to leave your jobs.

2. “It’s called an office romance because you met at work, but that doesn’t mean you conduct your romance at the office,” says Losee. While sex on the job has the thrill of secrecy and intrigue as Hollywood would like to have you believe— you saw the sexual escapades of Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhall in the storage room of Retail Rodeo in the film The Good Girl— in reality, this kind of behavior is bound to land you and your partner in trouble with the coworkers and the bosses. Coworkers who publicly flaunt their love are prime targets for office gossip and this will inevitably filter back to the management, which is never a good thing.

Radiah K. Givens, a social media strategist met her husband on the job five years ago and says that the best thing that she did was to keep their relationship private. “Office romance can work… if one compartmentalizes the workplace and your private life,” she explains. “No one ever knew we were dating because we stayed away from each other during work hours. When we got married it was truly a jaw dropper because… we kept it on the down low for two years,” Givens says.

1. Don’t get jealous if one partner gets promoted over the other. Competition between lovers can cause a major rift in any relationship. Losee recommends reminding yourself that you started the relationship as office buddies. “If your best friend got a promotion, how would you behave? Would you be petty, would you act jealous? No, you would be happy for your friend—genuinely happy.”

If tension continues to brew over the success of one partner, it’s likely that a long-term personal and professional relationship is not going to succeed for either of you. It doesn’t matter that your professional successes are measured by the same meter in the same company— couples who can’t be supportive of one another’s success is not a well-matched pair and should look elsewhere for fulfillment.

So do remember that office romance can and has worked for many couples. But also remember that there is a lot more at stake than just a broken heart. So before you start pursuing that attractive coworker with all the right words and ideas during meetings, do think it over and ask yourself, is this office love worth your job, if it came down to it?

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For more articles on work-related issues, please check out:

The Politics Series: The Politics of Facebook Friending your Colleagues | The Politics of being a Woman on the Job: Why can’t we all just get along? | The Politics of Being Young on the Job: Managing the Kid Boss | The Politics of being cute on the job: Are you too Sexy for the Workplace? | The Politics of the bad boss | The Politics of Office Romance

The Lists: | Five Ways to Battle the Office Backstabber | Ten Signs that You Might be a Difficult Employee

Everything in between: Tips for managing the Millennial Generation | When You’re Smarter than the Boss | Knowing When to Speak Up and When Not to |Equal Work, Unequal Pay: What to do if You’re the Victim of Gender Discrimination

Do you need advice dealing with awful coworkers, bosses and other workplace issues? Find the author on Twitter @JiHyun42 or email, jihyunnyc@gmail.com, and tell her all about it. You could be featured in an upcoming article!

Tags: Bias & Discrimination, competitive coworkers, dating coworkers, employee-employer relationships, good-looking coworkers, human resources, office romance, sexual harrassment
Posted in The Politics Series | 12 Comments »

The politics of being a woman on the job: Why can’t we all just get along?

It’s hard enough competing in a job market where there are more qualified candidates than there are open positions but what do you do when your biggest nemesis is another woman abusing you to get to the top?

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute-Zogby survey, women single out other women 71 percent of the time. Women bullies also liked to enlist others to help target and harass other women. Fifty-three percent of the women being targeted suffered serious mental and physical harm as opposed to the 36 percent of the men who were bullied.

A question was posted on LinkedIn Discussion forums asking why women were tougher on other women and 85 percent of responses I received point to women as being more competitive, insecure and more aggressive with other women than they are with men. Others responded to me in a private email, discussing their own experiences with female bosses and coworkers— one man even responded saying, “I don’t know why but I have found it to be absolutely true.”

While not all female workers fall into the bullying category and some LinkedIn responders even shared some stories of positive relationships with their women bosses, many still acknowledged that women-on-women harassment is a prevailing issue in the workplace.

“My experience with women bosses has been awful,” says Margaret P, a print production professional. “It is shameful that some women do not have the skill set to become mentors to other women. I have been considered a threat way too many times in my career. Funny, I’ve never had a man feel that way.”

So it begs the question, why can’t we all just get along?


The female double standard

There is a double-edged sword for women in leadership positions. When a woman is tough and aggressive, she is often labeled a “bitch.” If a woman is friendly and accommodating, she is viewed as a “push over” and not deemed leadership material.

“Even though we’ve come a long way, women still are not on an equal par with men. The perception is that we are ‘softer’ than men. So often times, women will become harder to show they can be compete in management roles,” says Dr. Barbara Seifert, founder of Committed to Your Success Coaching & Consulting.

The workplace had always been a “man’s world” and women in the workforce vying for the coveted executive-level position with men is a fairly new phenomenon that the corporate culture is still adjusting to. Those in management often question a woman’s ability to lead while men are always presumed to have what it takes. Many women bosses had to climb the corporate ladder having to contend with mostly-male competitors and it maybe why some women confuse authority with aggression.

As a society, boys are taught early on to work together and play on teams such as baseball and football, which teaches them valuable skills in team effort. Girls on the other hand are raised to be individuals, to dress-up, make-up, and play with Barbie dolls and to behave in a manner acquiescent of “sugar and spice and everything nice.” As girls mature into adulthood, the spirit of teamwork isn’t as developed, and it’s often why a woman finds herself fending for herself in the workplace.

Women are often easy targets

It’s common sense that bullies pick on the ones least likely to fight back and the ones most targeted are women who are often viewed as more accommodating.

“Women targets are less likely to confront in response to being bullied. But targets, of both genders, rarely react with aggression. Bullies sense who will be an easier mark,” says Dr. Gary Namie, co-founder of The Workplace Bullying Institute. “Targets do not defend themselves because either they are unable or unwilling to do so.”

In cases of bullying, both male and female bosses targeted women more frequently, albeit in different ways. Male bosses were more direct and vocal in their harassment while women bosses were indirect and passive-aggressive about it.

Typically, women target other females because they feel women are simply easier to bully. It could also be that women bosses still feel inferior to other males in the office and seek to maintain her authority by dominating the women in the office.

Faith Bell, a doctoral candidate at Walden University, recalls the time when she was the target of a female boss. “She made me terminate employees, whether I was their supervisor or not. I felt like she covertly tried to sabotage my employment.” Bell admits being scarred by her past experiences though she is quick to point out that she was able to move on by simply refusing to let one woman stand in the way of her success.

Women are naturally competitive

As children, girls were never quite sensitized to working together so it’s a natural progression for young women to always seek to out perform another woman. It’s a constant battle to be the homecoming Queen— the smartest, prettiest, most popular one dating the coveted high school Quarterback.

This also maybe why women tend to judge one another more often and more harshly: Competent women, intelligent women, popular women and attractive women are often singled out.

Examples of girl-on-girl aggression are exemplified in teen films like Heathers, Mean Girls and Pretty in Pink. It’s a view at how girls dominate and overpower one another in order to be the leader; it’s this concept of being the envy of all the other girls, which follows many women into the workforce.

“Insecurity is the underlying issue. Some women, who have worked very hard to get to their position in an organization, may feel threatened if a prettier, younger, more educated, etc. woman comes up the ranks quicker than they did,” says Caroline Hazen, human resources professional.

Unfortunately women-on-women harassment is a battle where there are never any winners. It hurts qualified women from achieving the kind of success most are entitled to. It also hurts the reputation of women workers and this can often lead to male employees getting to the top first.

Resolving women-on-women conflicts

Tips for the management:

As with any matters involving employee relations, the onus is on the management to resolve matter of conflicts. The problem here is that in most of the cases involving boss-subordinate issues, the company human resources managers tend to look the other way, putting the blame on what is presumed to be the “difficult employee.” The boss is usually the one with power and in a game of power politicking, the subordinate is always deemed more dispensable than the supervisor.

However this is where most companies err in judgment because it’s often more costly to continuously replace employees while making up for lost productivity. The employer must take necessary steps to alleviate and resolve conflicts between employees, taking into account those workers that frequently exhibit the most egregious behavior.

The one with most complaints against them should be the focus of the attention and if this happens to the supervisor in question, it’s best that her direct report be alerted to the situation. The worst thing that company management can do is to do nothing.

Tips for employees and bosses:

For both women bosses and subordinates, it’s crucial to acknowledge how each member can contribute to the good of the company. Always assume that you have something to learn from the other— a boss can learn as much from her subordinates as much as the subordinates can learn from the boss.

Don’t feel threatened and insecure by someone who seems to know more than you. Use their knowledge to learn different and new ways of doing something. Thank the other person for showing you something new.


Praise each other when the opportunity arises— “Nice job on that presentation.” You will find compliments often get reciprocated. This is one of the best ways of dissolving some of the tension in your work relationship.

And always be open, honest and forgiving in an effort to develop that long-term positive relationship.

Standing up for yourself, the right way

Many women feel reluctant to come forward with a complaint for fear of termination but truth is, if someone is indeed bullying you, blaming you, and abusing you, it’s likely that she will terminate you anyway. Also, remember that bullies do always back down.

First and foremost, try to approach your boss by sending an email explaining how her actions hurt your performance and company’s bottom line. Be diplomatic but firm and let her know that her abusive behavior hurts everyone in the long run.

Expect that once she receives the email, she will probably retaliate against you— reducing your pay, increasing your workload, verbally reprimanding you on your “bad performance”— are some common incidences of retaliation.

If this happens, you need make a formal complaint to HR and your boss’s direct report. Doing this could be your best defense against termination and here is why:

Indicate in your complaint that your boss is retaliating against you for approaching her about her abusive actions. Being a woman automatically puts you in the protected class so try to make your formal complaint be about getting targeted for being a woman. It doesn’t matter that the bully is another female— if she bullies only females and coddles the male employees, it’s still gender bias. Also, retaliation is illegal so if you let HR know that this is going on, they’ll be very hesitant to discharge you.

Tell your boss’s supervisor or your company HR that you feel physically and mentally injured by the constant abuse. If you have other coworkers experiencing similar abuse, try to come forward together. In all likelihood, your company management will look into the matter pretty quickly if you put your complaint in those terms.

Hopefully, it never has to be carried this far but some workplace issues can’t ever be resolved with a single complaint. But realize that often times, people who do take a stand have a healthier outlook about their career prospects. So given that, do you really want to give up your right to work in healthy environment?

For more articles from Ji Hyun Lee, please check out:

The Politics Series: The Politics of Facebook Friending your Colleagues | The Politics of being a Woman on the Job: Why can’t we all just get along? | The Politics of Being Young on the Job: Managing the Kid Boss | The Politics of being cute on the job: Are you too Sexy for the Workplace? | The Politics of the bad boss | The Politics of Office Romance

The Lists: | Five Ways to Battle the Office Backstabber | Ten Signs that You Might be a Difficult Employee

Everything in between: Tips for managing the Millennial Generation | When You’re Smarter than the Boss | Knowing When to Speak Up and When Not to |Equal Work, Unequal Pay: What to do if You’re the Victim of Gender Discrimination

Do you need advice dealing with awful coworkers, bosses and other workplace issues? Find the author on Twitter @JiHyun42 or email, jihyunnyc@gmail.com, and tell her all about it. You could be featured in an upcoming article!

Tags: bullying coworkers, competitive coworkers, conflicting personalities, difficult employees, good-looking coworkers, jealous coworkers, office backstabbers, office gossip, office politics, the cute and sexy employee, women-on-women abuse
Posted in Employee Relations, The Politics Series | 2 Comments »

The politics of being cute on the job: Are you too sexy for the workplace?

In the treacherous environment of office politics where everything can and will be used against you, is there such a thing as being too good-looking?

“I think beauty is an advantage in any environment or situation. Of course it won’t be a decisive factor in our performances but you can always count on it when developing a network,” says Gabriel Descalu, a corporate recruiter based in Europe

According to a study in the Journal of Applied Psychology from researchers at the University of Florida, attractive children who received more encouragement in academic endeavors were subjected to more positive interactions with others. The study concluded that being treated better in academic settings meant more substantial advantages for attractive people because of the confidence they acquired, and that translated to higher income.

But what complicates matters is the fact that the cute factor has different and often opposite consequences for male and female employees. Good-looking men are viewed with respect and admiration. Many women, on the other hand, find that a good face and a nice figure incite undue criticism and jealousy.

While many people might scoff at the notion that being attractive can be anything but a boon in the work place, many employees are finding that a prettier/handsomer face often gets in the way of doing a good job.

Here are some signs to recognize if you feel like the work environment has turned on you because of your looks.

Your accomplishments get overshadowed

You never miss a deadline. You’re punctual, friendly and always contribute ideas that get implemented. So when you produce work that is stellar, why aren’t your colleagues recognizing your achievements?

“If you want to be quote unquote ‘taken seriously’ you have to play down your looks, irrespective of what your other accomplishments might be. It’s a kind of socialism in the workplace,” says Noelle Ibrahim, a consultant based in New York.

One reason may be that the coworkers feel that your looks puts you at an unfair advantage and begrudges you any share in positive feed back.

“Frequently, people assume any achievements relate to your beauty instead of your brains,” says Dr. Helen Harkness, career counselor and founder of Career Design Associates.


While it’s important for anyone’s self-esteem to receive due recognition for excellent output, the best advice here is to not take too things personally. If the quality of your work is good, it doesn’t matter who praises you. It’s quite common in an office setting for colleagues and bosses to stay mum on good results but speak up loudly when things fall apart.

You attract unwanted attention

“Physical beauty creates notice in the workplace,” notes Dr. Harkness. This is the number complaint from good-looking female employees— unwanted attention from undesirable coworkers and even supervisors. Harkness suggests moving the attention away from beauty to one’s brains and ability instead.

For women, the challenge is to not let your frustration turn into anger. It is easy to let these feeling get mingled but when you get angry, you end up saying and doing things that you might ultimately regret later on. Be careful how tread these murky waters because any complaint can lead you in the danger zone of sexual harassment.

First thing to do if you are receiving too many comments about your appearance is to detract those praises towards your skills. If a male coworker remarks, “Those are some sexy shoes.” You could reply with something like, “Thank you. Now only if my presentation this morning was sexy enough to close that deal.”

Another thing to do is to drop hints about your “wonderful husband/boyfriend.” If men are pursuing you, they’d be more likely to be discouraged knowing that you’re in a committed relationship. If you’re single, you might try to engage in dialogue about your desire to have a big family someday. “Isn’t the Octo-Mom fabulous? I wish I could have 8 babies.” This should be a guaranteed turn off for men everywhere.

A third thing to try is by making the subject of your office conversation be always about the work at hand instead of letting conversation drift into personal territory. If the dialogue in the office is always about the newest movie in the theater, you don’t have to engage in a type of conversation that can easily lead the opposite sex to invite you out.

The worst thing that can happen is that you get labeled a workaholic and there’s nothing wrong with that.

You get treated with cool indifference

Workers that are physically attractive can also be victims of the “too cool to touch” syndrome. Many pretty women will complain that good looks often deter others from approaching and this can be damaging on the job where teamwork is often highly valued.

For men, physical beauty is an asset here because more often than not, coworkers value a man’s comeliness over that of a woman’s. “Men can be more attractive and get away with it,” notes Dr. Harkness. The handsome male employee is twice as likely to be promoted and respected than the pretty female employee.

To gain respect and acceptance from colleagues, put the focus on connecting with people in the office. Humor is always appreciated and if you can find ways to make colleagues and bosses laugh, it’s a great icebreaker. Even though coworkers may be reluctant to approach you at first, if you make your personality stand out through clever and funny anecdotes, it’s bound to bring people to your side.

“It is more about approachability. I know some folks who are not considered very attractive but are very successful in the business world because they are wonderful communicators,” says Anna Wildermuth, an image consultant coach at Personal Images Inc.

Jealousy is ruining your work life

Coworkers are notorious for letting jealousy get in the way of a productive work environment. Especially if you happen to be an attractive member of

the team, your appearance can often be the driving factor in the minds of others and not the quality of your work.

“People are just ravenously jealous of physical beauty, especially if you are a woman,” says Ibrahim. Be prepared to take some hits if you are a woman working on a team of mostly women— the dynamic can be a particularly brutal one.

To avoid conflict, do your best not to bring attention to your looks. Moderation is always key in an office setting so if you have new apparel, don’t show it off all at once. Stick to neutral colors and a tidy hairdo. Your objective is to move the focus to the work at hand.Because most jealousies stem from insecurities— male and female— the best advice in combating this is by helping others know that you are on their team. Allay the fears of jealous coworkers and bosses by sharing credit for your efforts. “Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without your support.”

Try complimenting others on their successes while you secretly bask in your own achievements. Humility goes a long way in the work environment. If you are willing to acknowledge others for their efforts, it’s much harder for them to begrudge you your accomplishments. Also, there is truth to the old saying, ‘keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.’ Those that start as rivals could easily end up as friends and many successful professional relationships have stemmed from such auspicious beginnings.

You’re the target of office gossip

With unwanted attention from coworkers comes the natural tendency for people to talk. Because physical beauty incites curiosity, it makes it that much

easier for people to want to know more about you.

Be wary of coworkers who spend too much time talking with you and with others. Because random chatter can easily balloon, keep conversations moderate and limited to work-related topics. Don’t vocalize your preference for anyone in the office and most definitely, don’t express your complaints about anyone.

Remember that intelligence and competence always wins out. So no matter what people say, keep your attention on doing the best you can. No one should be able to argue that you don’t work hard and that your work is less than exemplary. If you stay neutral on all non-personal conversations, chances are that office mates will just find you uninteresting and leave you to do your work.

In the complex world of office politics, it just may be your greatest achievement.

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For more articles from Ji Hyun Lee, please check out:

The Politics Series: The Politics of Facebook Friending your Colleagues | The Politics of being a Woman on the Job: Why can’t we all just get along? | The Politics of Being Young on the Job: Managing the Kid Boss | The Politics of being cute on the job: Are you too Sexy for the Workplace? | The Politics of the bad boss | The Politics of Office Romance

The Lists: | Five Ways to Battle the Office Backstabber | Ten Signs that You Might be a Difficult Employee

Everything in between: Tips for managing the Millennial Generation | When You’re Smarter than the Boss | Knowing When to Speak Up and When Not to |Equal Work, Unequal Pay: What to do if You’re the Victim of Gender Discrimination

Do you need advice dealing with awful coworkers, bosses and other workplace issues? Find the author on Twitter @JiHyun42 or email, jihyunnyc@gmail.com, and tell her all about it. You could be featured in an upcoming article!

Tags: bullying coworkers, competitive coworkers, conflicting personalities, difficult employees, good-looking coworkers, jealous coworkers, office backstabbers, office gossip, office politics, sexual harrassment, the cute and sexy employee, two-faced bosses, women-on-women abuse
Posted in Employee Relations, The Politics Series | 12 Comments »