We spend 40-plus hours of week at work so it comes as no surprise that the office is the number one destination spot for singles looking to make a love connection. But most people are ambivalent about mixing business with pleasure and if the relationship sours, one or both of you could be in jeopardy of losing a good job. What’s a lovelorn employee to do?
“Office romance enhances something called ‘engagement’ which is the Holy Grail of an employee’s commitment to a company’s success,” says Stephanie Losee, co-author of the book, Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding— and Managing— Romance on the Job. Losee and her writing partner Helaine Olen, have been married for 16 years to men they met at work. “We weren’t looking for love at work, but it just turned out that’s where we were meeting the men we ended up dating. Of course we had both heard the warnings about how God awful it’s supposed to be.”
According to an online poll conducted by the Society of Human Research Management (SHRM) and CareerJournal.com, a Web site of The Wall Street Journal, 40 percent of workers engaged in office romance and 42 percent of those ultimately got married.
So if you’re in a work environment in which there are many more attractive coworkers than you cacan count, is it truly okay to pursue love while hammering out the edits on the article due for that week’s deadline?
Brad Pitt met Angelina Jolie on the set of a movie and today they have six children together. Possibly the greatest example of romancing the coworker is that of Michelle and Barack Obama who met as associates at a corporate law firm. The story of their office romance began with Mrs. Obama’s one month long refusal to accept the romantic gestures of the future president over concern that a relationship would be deemed inappropriate— she was his advisor at the time. Thankfully, she caved in to the charms of Barack Obama and the rest they say is history.
“HR professionals who say they are firmly against all office romance are perhaps not divulging the degree to which they recognize its ubiquity and benefits to the company,” Losee points out.
Research from SHRM shows that while company HR verbally frown upon interoffice relationships, a 72 percent of companies do not have an existing written or verbal policy prohibiting romantic relationships between their workers.
It’s tragic to think what would have happened, or not happened, if Michelle and Barack Obama’s law firm had a “no love between coworkers” policy.
Still, if you’re considering a relationship with a colleague or are currently in one, here are some tips to keep in mind for a successful professional and personal relationship.
5. Coworkers involved in romance tend to work better and more efficiently together because they’re involved. They will often bring the work home and collaborate better in the workplace as a result of the time they spend together— there’s a 20 percent increase in productivity after a couple falls in love, Losee adds. “When both paychecks are coming from the same corporation, you can imagine the importance to the couple in helping that corporation succeed. Everybody wins,” she says.
4. Do understand that making your work a priority is a great way to make a positive impression on the coworker that has your attention. Use this as an excuse to collaborate, exchange ideas, and produce great work. You’ll not only have your love’s attention, you’ll have the adoration of your boss as well.
3. Do use the work environment to gauge a future mate’s character. If you’ve got a coworker who works hard, is open and honest with their opinions but not overly critical, you’ve got yourself a winner. Stay in close proximity with your coworker love interest and with any luck you’ll both rocket to the top together.
2. “Make sure your romance has a life outside the office and that you weren’t driven into each other’s arms because you are the battle-scarred victims of a rotten boss,” advises Losee. If you’re coming together purely for work reasons, there’s a strong possibility that the relationship will fizzle outside of the office. You’re probably spending too much time on work projects so make time to enjoy each other’s personal interests and hobbies outside of the office.
1. Do make your job and its duties your number one priority. As long as you can be realistic about your expectations of the relationship, you should be fine if it doesn’t work out. All good things do sometimes come to an end, but it doesn’t mean your responsibility as a worker ends too.
Five reasons that romancing the coworker is a don’t
You’ve read all the reasons to pursue love on the job but now it’s time to seriously think about the repercussions that this can have on your future with the company. While there’s no denying the joy of being in a romantic relationship with a colleague, there are some very obvious perils of mixing business with pleasure— for employees and employers alike.
Likewise David Letterman has gotten himself into a bind with his office romances. The best thing about these celebrity sex scandals is for you to learn what not to do.
“I have a pure generalization that I think people should try to live by at work— ‘no fishing off the company pier.’ I also had a manager who used to say, ‘don’t get your honey where you make your money,’” says Chris Rafter, senior human resources professional. “In my opinion people should soberly consider whether getting into a relationship is worth what may be at risk,” he says.
Here are some tips on things you should not do when it comes to office romance:
5. Don’t go chasing coworkers if your intention is just for a casual hook-up. People go to work to earn a living and people go to bars for a drink and a good time. Your job is not the place for pick-ups and quickie office flings. It hurts the integrity of the workplace and your reputation as a serious worker— not to mention that you could be putting yourself at risk for a sexual harassment suit if you play the field with too many coworkers.
4. “Don’t use company email, IM, or text. These technologies are not private,” Losee warns. So remind yourself and your sweetheart that while you are at work, you should not be using the company Internet to exchange romantic or sexually explicit emails.
3. Try not to get involved in a relationship in which one partner is a boss and the other is a subordinate. According to the SHRM research, most workers discouraged this type of pairing— 80 percent of employers and 60 percent of employees agreed that this was off limits.
Definitely do not get involved if one or more of the interested parties are married and/or involved in a committed relationship. Hold tight and withhold from acting on your desires because the consequences of being found out could end with one or both of you having to leave your jobs.
2. “It’s called an office romance because you met at work, but that doesn’t mean you conduct your romance at the office,” says Losee. While sex on the job has the thrill of secrecy and intrigue as Hollywood would like to have you believe— you saw the sexual escapades of Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhall in the storage room of Retail Rodeo in the film The Good Girl— in reality, this kind of behavior is bound to land you and your partner in trouble with the coworkers and the bosses. Coworkers who publicly flaunt their love are prime targets for office gossip and this will inevitably filter back to the management, which is never a good thing.
Radiah K. Givens, a social media strategist met her husband on the job five years ago and says that the best thing that she did was to keep their relationship private. “Office romance can work… if one compartmentalizes the workplace and your private life,” she explains. “No one ever knew we were dating because we stayed away from each other during work hours. When we got married it was truly a jaw dropper because… we kept it on the down low for two years,” Givens says.
1. Don’t get jealous if one partner gets promoted over the other. Competition between lovers can cause a major rift in any relationship. Losee recommends reminding yourself that you started the relationship as office buddies. “If your best friend got a promotion, how would you behave? Would you be petty, would you act jealous? No, you would be happy for your friend—genuinely happy.”
If tension continues to brew over the success of one partner, it’s likely that a long-term personal and professional relationship is not going to succeed for either of you. It doesn’t matter that your professional successes are measured by the same meter in the same company— couples who can’t be supportive of one another’s success is not a well-matched pair and should look elsewhere for fulfillment.
So do remember that office romance can and has worked for many couples. But also remember that there is a lot more at stake than just a broken heart. So before you start pursuing that attractive coworker with all the right words and ideas during meetings, do think it over and ask yourself, is this office love worth your job, if it came down to it?
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It’s hard enough competing in a job market where there are more qualified candidates than there are open positions but what do you do when your biggest nemesis is another woman abusing you to get to the top?
According to the Workplace Bullying Institute-Zogby survey, women single out other women 71 percent of the time. Women bullies also liked to enlist others to help target and harass other women. Fifty-three percent of the women being targeted suffered serious mental and physical harm as opposed to the 36 percent of the men who were bullied.
A question was posted on LinkedIn Discussion forums asking why women were tougher on other women and 85 percent of responses I received point to women as being more competitive, insecure and more aggressive with other women than they are with men. Others responded to me in a private email, discussing their own experiences with female bosses and coworkers— one man even responded saying, “I don’t know why but I have found it to be absolutely true.”
While not all female workers fall into the bullying category and some LinkedIn responders even shared some stories of positive relationships with their women bosses, many still acknowledged that women-on-women harassment is a prevailing issue in the workplace.
“My experience with women bosses has been awful,” says Margaret P, a print production professional. “It is shameful that some women do not have the skill set to become mentors to other women. I have been considered a threat way too many times in my career. Funny, I’ve never had a man feel that way.”
So it begs the question, why can’t we all just get along?
There is a double-edged sword for women in leadership positions. When a woman is tough and aggressive, she is often labeled a “bitch.” If a woman is friendly and accommodating, she is viewed as a “push over” and not deemed leadership material.
“Even though we’ve come a long way, women still are not on an equal par with men. The perception is that we are ‘softer’ than men. So often times, women will become harder to show they can be compete in management roles,” says Dr. Barbara Seifert, founder of Committed to Your Success Coaching & Consulting.
The workplace had always been a “man’s world” and women in the workforce vying for the coveted executive-level position with men is a fairly new phenomenon that the corporate culture is still adjusting to. Those in management often question a woman’s ability to lead while men are always presumed to have what it takes. Many women bosses had to climb the corporate ladder having to contend with mostly-male competitors and it maybe why some women confuse authority with aggression.
As a society, boys are taught early on to work together and play on teams such as baseball and football, which teaches them valuable skills in team effort. Girls on the other hand are raised to be individuals, to dress-up, make-up, and play with Barbie dolls and to behave in a manner acquiescent of “sugar and spice and everything nice.” As girls mature into adulthood, the spirit of teamwork isn’t as developed, and it’s often why a woman finds herself fending for herself in the workplace.
It’s common sense that bullies pick on the ones least likely to fight back and the ones most targeted are women who are often viewed as more accommodating.
“Women targets are less likely to confront in response to being bullied. But targets, of both genders, rarely react with aggression. Bullies sense who will be an easier mark,” says Dr. Gary Namie, co-founder of The Workplace Bullying Institute. “Targets do not defend themselves because either they are unable or unwilling to do so.”
In cases of bullying, both male and female bosses targeted women more frequently, albeit in different ways. Male bosses were more direct and vocal in their harassment while women bosses were indirect and passive-aggressive about it.
Typically, women target other females because they feel women are simply easier to bully. It could also be that women bosses still feel inferior to other males in the office and seek to maintain her authority by dominating the women in the office.
Faith Bell, a doctoral candidate at Walden University, recalls the time when she was the target of a female boss. “She made me terminate employees, whether I was their supervisor or not. I felt like she covertly tried to sabotage my employment.” Bell admits being scarred by her past experiences though she is quick to point out that she was able to move on by simply refusing to let one woman stand in the way of her success.
As children, girls were never quite sensitized to working together so it’s a natural progression for young women to always seek to out perform another woman. It’s a constant battle to be the homecoming Queen— the smartest, prettiest, most popular one dating the coveted high school Quarterback.
This also maybe why women tend to judge one another more often and more harshly: Competent women, intelligent women, popular women and attractive women are often singled out.
Examples of girl-on-girl aggression are exemplified in teen films like Heathers, Mean Girls and Pretty in Pink. It’s a view at how girls dominate and overpower one another in order to be the leader; it’s this concept of being the envy of all the other girls, which follows many women into the workforce.
“Insecurity is the underlying issue. Some women, who have worked very hard to get to their position in an organization, may feel threatened if a prettier, younger, more educated, etc. woman comes up the ranks quicker than they did,” says Caroline Hazen, human resources professional.
Unfortunately women-on-women harassment is a battle where there are never any winners. It hurts qualified women from achieving the kind of success most are entitled to. It also hurts the reputation of women workers and this can often lead to male employees getting to the top first.
Resolving women-on-women conflicts
As with any matters involving employee relations, the onus is on the management to resolve matter of conflicts. The problem here is that in most of the cases involving boss-subordinate issues, the company human resources managers tend to look the other way, putting the blame on what is presumed to be the “difficult employee.” The boss is usually the one with power and in a game of power politicking, the subordinate is always deemed more dispensable than the supervisor.
However this is where most companies err in judgment because it’s often more costly to continuously replace employees while making up for lost productivity. The employer must take necessary steps to alleviate and resolve conflicts between employees, taking into account those workers that frequently exhibit the most egregious behavior.
The one with most complaints against them should be the focus of the attention and if this happens to the supervisor in question, it’s best that her direct report be alerted to the situation. The worst thing that company management can do is to do nothing.
Tips for employees and bosses:
For both women bosses and subordinates, it’s crucial to acknowledge how each member can contribute to the good of the company. Always assume that you have something to learn from the other— a boss can learn as much from her subordinates as much as the subordinates can learn from the boss.
Don’t feel threatened and insecure by someone who seems to know more than you. Use their knowledge to learn different and new ways of doing something. Thank the other person for showing you something new.
Praise each other when the opportunity arises— “Nice job on that presentation.” You will find compliments often get reciprocated. This is one of the best ways of dissolving some of the tension in your work relationship.
And always be open, honest and forgiving in an effort to develop that long-term positive relationship.
Standing up for yourself, the right way
Many women feel reluctant to come forward with a complaint for fear of termination but truth is, if someone is indeed bullying you, blaming you, and abusing you, it’s likely that she will terminate you anyway. Also, remember that bullies do always back down.
First and foremost, try to approach your boss by sending an email explaining how her actions hurt your performance and company’s bottom line. Be diplomatic but firm and let her know that her abusive behavior hurts everyone in the long run.
Expect that once she receives the email, she will probably retaliate against you— reducing your pay, increasing your workload, verbally reprimanding you on your “bad performance”— are some common incidences of retaliation.
If this happens, you need make a formal complaint to HR and your boss’s direct report. Doing this could be your best defense against termination and here is why:
Indicate in your complaint that your boss is retaliating against you for approaching her about her abusive actions. Being a woman automatically puts you in the protected class so try to make your formal complaint be about getting targeted for being a woman. It doesn’t matter that the bully is another female— if she bullies only females and coddles the male employees, it’s still gender bias. Also, retaliation is illegal so if you let HR know that this is going on, they’ll be very hesitant to discharge you.
Tell your boss’s supervisor or your company HR that you feel physically and mentally injured by the constant abuse. If you have other coworkers experiencing similar abuse, try to come forward together. In all likelihood, your company management will look into the matter pretty quickly if you put your complaint in those terms.
Hopefully, it never has to be carried this far but some workplace issues can’t ever be resolved with a single complaint. But realize that often times, people who do take a stand have a healthier outlook about their career prospects. So given that, do you really want to give up your right to work in healthy environment?
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You’ve got more than 300 friends on Facebook but what do you do when you get a friend request from your boss or coworker? Lately, companies everywhere are using Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn, but more and more employees are discovering that their management is using social networking tools for purposes other than socializing. For this reason, many employees feel awkward and defensive when approached about opening up their networks to their work colleagues.
“I find it very invasive when professional contacts with whom I am not socially connected contacts me through a social networking platform. If it were ten years ago and you called my home phone for personal reasons, it would be considered inappropriate. Why is this different?” says Chris Linn, vice-president of business development at InsideVenture.
Human resources department frequently research job candidates’ background and existing employees through their Facebook profiles. Inappropriate comments and images surfaced on Facebook have shown quite a few employees the exit door. Even more are denied job opportunities. So given the circumstances regarding the regularity of social media usage in workplace, many workers and management are at crossroads about what is appropriate and what isn’t.
To friend or not to friend, that is the question Jim Gould, president at I Support, agrees to the benefits of Facebook interaction with colleagues. “It would probably help me to improve my business to see the uncensored and probably incidental comments of my colleagues, but I cannot see any advantage to them including me in their private conversations,” he says.
LinkedIn professionals were asked where they stood on friending workplace colleagues and more than 90 percent of respondents said that adding bosses to Facebook is a no-no. Adding coworkers were deemed more acceptable: More than 60 percent said they have or expected to add coworkers to their network. Still most agreed that the best solution was to keep the two worlds separate.
“I firmly believe that LinkedIn is for professional use and Facebook is for personal use,” says Jason Chu, executive recruiter at Shulman Fleming and Partners. “My personal life, as tame as it is, is still my person life. It has no relevance in my work environment.”
If you must accept, here’s an idea Many employees who want to maintain a level of privacy from their employers find it hard to deny a friend request from a supervisor. After all, how can you say to a boss, “no, I don’t want to be your friend.” Doing so could also raise serious questions about your loyalty and create tension in your working relationship. To avoid getting tangled in the office politics of social networking, some employees will even go so far as to create a second Facebook profile just for work relationships so as to not appear rude to colleagues and supervisors.
“Create two different profiles: One you share with your closest friends and one you share with everyone else. Facebook allows you to manipulate your settings so people in the latter group only see what you want them to see,” advises Trace Cohen, chief marketing officer at Brandyourself.com.
But many also argue that keeping two profiles is easily searchable and that it just makes you look like you’re trying to hide something. Some even believe that refusing to accept a boss or coworker into your social network puts a shroud of suspicion on your character.
With the constantly evolving landscape of networking platforms, workplace ethics is as complicated as ever. It’s a case of damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
Friending the boss after all Perhaps you’re the exception to the case— you have a wonderful relationship with your boss and coworkers and you’ve decided to include them into Facebook page. Are you being sensible or have you just committed job-sabotage?
“I am absolutely comfortable with adding supervisors and professional contacts as friends on Facebook,” says Scott Hale, Social Media Marketing Specialist. Hale keeps his profile an even mix “between professional and personal and I believe it represents my ability to balance my hobbies with my professional interests.”
Likewise, Erica D, an associate director at a nonprofit organization agrees. Because she is a shy person by nature, she admits that adding coworkers to her Facebook page has helped develop a camaraderie that she would typically find difficult to achieve in person.
“Having positive relations in the office is so important. I think [Facebook] has helped,” she says. Erica uses updates as a way to start a conversation with someone at work. “When I ask for information or assistance to do my job, they are more likely to be receptive or willing to help.” She also points out that while she has witnessed some indiscretions with others, she herself is careful to recognize that Facebook, like all the other networks, is a public forum. “Everything I post is something I wouldn’t mind seeing posted on the bulletin board at work.”
Yes, there is an upside to having a boss and coworker in your social circle—it’s easier to build trust and loyalty within the confines of a Facebook page. For those that are judicious about sharing appropriate information, the benefit of having developed trust and friendship from a supervisor can be immeasurable.
The best advice in using any networking tool is to always be a bit guarded about what you share. Keep your Facebook page and other social networking platforms entertaining and as non-controversial as possible. While it’s easy to get carried away with posting pictures of yourself doing a wild strip tease at a friend’s party, it’s also wise to remember that a quick laugh can just as easily leave an unfavorable impression on those that are unfamiliar to you. Bottom line is you just never know who is watching.
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It’s been said that with age comes responsibility so it comes as a surprise to some workers that many companies are hiring young workers to manage the older and more experienced ones. But in an economic downturn it makes sense that older workers get shed from company payroll to be replaced by younger workers with less experience and less onerous salary demands. And for some this isn’t always been a bad thing. A research conducted by The Family and Work Institute reflects a surprisingly positive opinion of younger bosses from their older subordinates. Majority of the older employees with younger employers believed that their young bosses were more
competent, and more responsive, and more supportive of their needs than managers of any other generation. Fifty-nine percent of Gen X and Baby Boomer employees believed that their young bosses were competent and capable, and an astounding 79 percent of Matures (aged 60 and over) believed that their young bosses were competent and capable in their positions.
“I appreciate the way she has come up to sit in that position. One thing I get to learn from her is to innovate. I get to know the latest way of looking at the world and the business, which we never did when I was of her age,” says Prashanth S, senior manager at CareerBuilder.com. “We were assertive then and very aggressive now. The current market needs aggression, which she infuses.”
Still this does not belie the fact that many of the older workers are not always enthused about having to report to a younger figure of authority. For many who are old enough to be the young boss’ parent, taking direction from a “kid” is a bitter pill to swallow. Research also indicates that Baby Boomers are typically the generation at most odds with the conflicting management styles of the Gen Y group.
With the ever-changing face of the workplace environment, some employees are finding it difficult to contend with the colliding ethics of the multi-generational work force.
Anything you can do, I can do better
Often times, an older employee facing a manager decades younger feels that they have more knowledge and expertise for the position. The young boss may feel threatened and feel his confidence diminish in the presence of an older subordinate.
“I had several younger bosses. I’m not inclined to repeat the experience,” says Deni Tavares, advisor at Cultivating Our Sisterhood International Association (COSIA), an organization dedicated to empowering women and youth. “It’s a case of ‘they don’t know what they don’t know’ which is a problem within any work environment,” she says.
Workplace conduct is largely dependent on one’s opinion of one another so a young boss, especially if it’s a first time in a management position may feel inclined to overcompensate and distrust any employee, young or old, who question his authority.
According to Rick Brenner, management consultant based in Cambridge, Mass, trouble can develop “if the boss feels it necessary to assert dominance over the capable older subordinate— the boss can feel threatened. This can lead the boss to behave in ways that are insulting to or demeaning for the subordinate,” he says.
Some examples of inexperienced young boss conduct may include refusing to be accountable for his mistakes, or blaming others for them, Brenner says.
And while there are particular issues at stake for a young boss managing an older staff, the bottom line is that anyone in a leadership role is bound to feel offended if people underneath him question his capacity to lead.
Trust is the best advice here. While the elder statesman may have all the answers, it’s important to realize that someone else might also have those answers but reach them in a new and different way. It could take a little longer but any employee, old or young, should trust and wait for the young manager to figure things out.
Th know-it-all who knows very little
“If a young boss comes into the job with the attitude that they know it all, they will undoubtedly run into problems,” says Mark Vance, chief marketing officer of Aquion Water Treatment Products. “I made my fair share of mistakes usually driven by inability, at the time, to see the value of input from others.
Usually, this type of young manager will be the one with least amount of management experience— perhaps it could be his first time in a management position. He may have an MBA from Harvard and have several years at a high profile company. As impressive as his credentials may be, if the new kid on the block doesn’t know how to convert past experiences with the current work climate, he is headed for disaster.
He will give orders, commandeer radical new ideas, and refuse to listen to anyone or let anyone else contribute. These are the typical signs of an overcompensating boss trying to do too much too fast. And this often translates to micromanagement of employees, which is never a good thing.
“Micromanagement destroys employee morale, increases staff turnover and negatively impacts work performance,” says Dana Dixon, a claims specialist at the Association for Child Development. Dixon, like many of her peers, doesn’t take issue with the age of a supervisor, but rather the management style of those in charge. “Practice coupled with management courses can produce a more effective…more successful, younger manager,” Dixon says.
Vance agrees that employees will give the young boss a fair chance at success if they are treated with respect and are acknowledged for their efforts. So give the kid a break and emphasize the strength that each side has to offer to the company. If differing generations can build on teamwork, soon inconsequential errors will be just that. Inconsequential.
Old enough but not good enough to lead
Resentment can also arise out of older workers reporting to highly competent and experienced young employers. This happens when the older worker is passed over for the same or similar position. Jealousy plays a large part in creating tension in a multi-generational workforce: Older workers often feel usurped by a younger, vibrant worker with a completely different set of skills and ethics.
“The younger boss is in itself a statement about the status of the older subordinate’s career. That statement can be difficult to accept,” says Brenner and this can lead to shame and loss of self-esteem for the older worker. “It is the expression of these hurts by the older subordinate that takes the form of difficulty in the relationship with the boss.”
To alleviate the tension, the one in the leadership position must make an effort to bring the team together under the same umbrella. Older workers in turn need to appreciate and value the contributions of the manager so that the young leader can show a similar deference to the subordinate.
“It can be tough to take orders from somebody younger than you are. And it can be hard to give direction to somebody older than you are. But good managers and good employees find a way to make it work,” writes Donald Trump, CEO of the Trump organization, in his blog. “Just like younger workers can bring fresh ideas and new techniques, older workers bring incredible insight and knowledge,” he says
For any employee, the key to good workplace relationship is trust. To accomplish a mutually beneficial relationship, here are some suggestions for workplace harmony for all generations. Start by listening to what the other is saying. Listening is sometimes just as important as doing, and people who are doing the talking will greatly appreciate you for it.
Acknowledge the accomplishments of your boss. It may be a simple, “good idea” or “the meeting went well” but letting someone know that they’ve done a good job makes them view you with profound appreciation which is likely to be reciprocated.
Ask for help when you don’t know how to handle a situation. There is nothing more flattering than being asked for someone’s advice.
Recognize and respect your differences in age. Even if your young boss has a style of dress and speech that is less deferential than yours, respect it and appreciate it— differences are what make new ideas happen. The manager with a penchant for indie-rock can just as well respect you for your immense love of the Beatles.
Speak up if something is bothering you. Trust is best built on open communication so if there is an idea that you want to share, don’t be shy. Even if it’s not always received and implemented, a boss of any age will appreciate the initiative you take in helping the company grow its bottom line.
Learn from each other because as much as you have the years on your young boss, he or she will likely have some new ways to resolving an issue. When you look around, the workplace is filled with learning opportunity from every colleague, boss and CEO. And who can’t do with a little more education?
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“I think beauty is an advantage in any environment or situation. Of course it won’t be a decisive factor in our performances but you can always count on it when developing a network,” says Gabriel Descalu, a corporate recruiter based in Europe
According to a study in the Journal of Applied Psychology from researchers at the University of Florida, attractive children who received more encouragement in academic endeavors were subjected to more positive interactions with others. The study concluded that being treated better in academic settings meant more substantial advantages for attractive people because of the confidence they acquired, and that translated to higher income.
But what complicates matters is the fact that the cute factor has different and often opposite consequences for male and female employees. Good-looking men are viewed with respect and admiration. Many women, on the other hand, find that a good face and a nice figure incite undue criticism and jealousy.
While many people might scoff at the notion that being attractive can be anything but a boon in the work place, many employees are finding that a prettier/handsomer face often gets in the way of doing a good job.
Here are some signs to recognize if you feel like the work environment has turned on you because of your looks.
Your accomplishments get overshadowed
You never miss a deadline. You’re punctual, friendly and always contribute ideas that get implemented. So when you produce work that is stellar, why aren’t your colleagues recognizing your achievements?
“If you want to be quote unquote ‘taken seriously’ you have to play down your looks, irrespective of what your other accomplishments might be. It’s a kind of socialism in the workplace,” says Noelle Ibrahim, a consultant based in New York.
One reason may be that the coworkers feel that your looks puts you at an unfair advantage and begrudges you any share in positive feed back.
“Frequently, people assume any achievements relate to your beauty instead of your brains,” says Dr. Helen Harkness, career counselor and founder of Career Design Associates.
While it’s important for anyone’s self-esteem to receive due recognition for excellent output, the best advice here is to not take too things personally. If the quality of your work is good, it doesn’t matter who praises you. It’s quite common in an office setting for colleagues and bosses to stay mum on good results but speak up loudly when things fall apart.
You attract unwanted attention
“Physical beauty creates notice in the workplace,” notes Dr. Harkness. This is the number complaint from good-looking female employees— unwanted attention from undesirable coworkers and even supervisors. Harkness suggests moving the attention away from beauty to one’s brains and ability instead.
For women, the challenge is to not let your frustration turn into anger. It is easy to let these feeling get mingled but when you get angry, you end up saying and doing things that you might ultimately regret later on. Be careful how tread these murky waters because any complaint can lead you in the danger zone of sexual harassment.
First thing to do if you are receiving too many comments about your appearance is to detract those praises towards your skills. If a male coworker remarks, “Those are some sexy shoes.” You could reply with something like, “Thank you. Now only if my presentation this morning was sexy enough to close that deal.”
Another thing to do is to drop hints about your “wonderful husband/boyfriend.” If men are pursuing you, they’d be more likely to be discouraged knowing that you’re in a committed relationship. If you’re single, you might try to engage in dialogue about your desire to have a big family someday. “Isn’t the Octo-Mom fabulous? I wish I could have 8 babies.” This should be a guaranteed turn off for men everywhere.
A third thing to try is by making the subject of your office conversation be always about the work at hand instead of letting conversation drift into personal territory. If the dialogue in the office is always about the newest movie in the theater, you don’t have to engage in a type of conversation that can easily lead the opposite sex to invite you out.
The worst thing that can happen is that you get labeled a workaholic and there’s nothing wrong with that.
You get treated with cool indifference
Workers that are physically attractive can also be victims of the “too cool to touch” syndrome. Many pretty women will complain that good looks often deter others from approaching and this can be damaging on the job where teamwork is often highly valued.
For men, physical beauty is an asset here because more often than not, coworkers value a man’s comeliness over that of a woman’s. “Men can be more attractive and get away with it,” notes Dr. Harkness. The handsome male employee is twice as likely to be promoted and respected than the pretty female employee.
To gain respect and acceptance from colleagues, put the focus on connecting with people in the office. Humor is always appreciated and if you can find ways to make colleagues and bosses laugh, it’s a great icebreaker. Even though coworkers may be reluctant to approach you at first, if you make your personality stand out through clever and funny anecdotes, it’s bound to bring people to your side.
“It is more about approachability. I know some folks who are not considered very attractive but are very successful in the business world because they are wonderful communicators,” says Anna Wildermuth, an image consultant coach at Personal Images Inc.
the team, your appearance can often be the driving factor in the minds of others and not the quality of your work.
“People are just ravenously jealous of physical beauty, especially if you are a woman,” says Ibrahim. Be prepared to take some hits if you are a woman working on a team of mostly women— the dynamic can be a particularly brutal one.
To avoid conflict, do your best not to bring attention to your looks. Moderation is always key in an office setting so if you have new apparel, don’t show it off all at once. Stick to neutral colors and a tidy hairdo. Your objective is to move the focus to the work at hand.Because most jealousies stem from insecurities— male and female— the best advice in combating this is by helping others know that you are on their team. Allay the fears of jealous coworkers and bosses by sharing credit for your efforts. “Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without your support.”
Try complimenting others on their successes while you secretly bask in your own achievements. Humility goes a long way in the work environment. If you are willing to acknowledge others for their efforts, it’s much harder for them to begrudge you your accomplishments. Also, there is truth to the old saying, ‘keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.’ Those that start as rivals could easily end up as friends and many successful professional relationships have stemmed from such auspicious beginnings.
You’re the target of office gossip
With unwanted attention from coworkers comes the natural tendency for people to talk. Because physical beauty incites curiosity, it makes it that much
Be wary of coworkers who spend too much time talking with you and with others. Because random chatter can easily balloon, keep conversations moderate and limited to work-related topics. Don’t vocalize your preference for anyone in the office and most definitely, don’t express your complaints about anyone.
Remember that intelligence and competence always wins out. So no matter what people say, keep your attention on doing the best you can. No one should be able to argue that you don’t work hard and that your work is less than exemplary. If you stay neutral on all non-personal conversations, chances are that office mates will just find you uninteresting and leave you to do your work.
In the complex world of office politics, it just may be your greatest achievement.
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Do you need advice dealing with awful coworkers, bosses and other workplace issues? Find the author on Twitter @JiHyun42 or email, jihyunnyc@gmail.com, and tell her all about it. You could be featured in an upcoming article!
hell. Unfortunately you’re not alone—80 percent of employees leave their jobs because of their bosses. For many people the behaviors of bad bosses begin to affect the their mental and physical health, notwithstanding his/her ability to do the job well.
“Simply uttering the word, ’boss’ drives an emotional response,” says Andrew O’Keeffe, a human resources executive of 25 years and author of the book appropriately entitled, The Boss. “It’s gotten so bad that even the mention of our supervisors can tie our stomachs into knots.” O’Keeffe, who has been observing bosses for many years recognizes the symptoms of a frustrated subordinate— feeling trapped, helpless and being plagued by self-doubt are all consequences of cruel managers. The affected employee must choose to stay in the job and be demeaned, or complain and get fired: It’s constant struggle to maintain one’s self-esteem.
“It becomes an either-or situation. In a bad economy, it’s more difficult to find a new job so managers find that their power-base is increased,” O’Keeffe says.
If you’re an employee in this frustrating situation, first thing to do is to recognize the type of bad boss you’re dealing with. For some bosses, it’s possible to reason with them because some simply “don’t know what they don’t know,” as Dave Schoof, a LinkedIn professional points out. So providing that you approach sticky management issues with diplomacy and courtesy, it’s possible to turn a bad boss into a not so bad one. But be advised that there are some bosses who are just insane, impossible and incapable of changing.
Here are some common characteristics of a bad manager and if you recognize any of them in your boss, buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
You spend days and nights producing an in-depth article that is guaranteed to bring your publication’s traffic numbers into the millions. The idea is so original that big content partners like AOL and Yahoo are calling your extension asking for syndication rights. You submit the article to your editor-in-chief and wait patiently for the permission to publish on the Web site. Three days later, you see your article live on the site but with your boss’s byline.
A manager who steals the work and ideas of his/her employees is someone who lacks work ethics and is insecure in his/her own ability to succeed in the company. They’re often incompetent and incapable of formulating their own original ideas and will resort to stealing to hide their deficiencies. Thieving bosses will never take responsibility for their bad behavior— they will blame subordinates when the company goals are not met. If there is success to be had, they will take all the credit and refuse to acknowledge anyone else. Employees who’ve had to work under such bosses often suffer anxieties and depression. They feel under-valued and demeaned.
“Whenever you have a good idea, don’t just tell your boss about it. Write it in a memo and copy someone else on the memo, like your boss’s boss or another manager whose department may be positively impacted by your effort,” says Marilyn Haight author of Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Boss, How to Survive 13 Types of Dysfunctional, Disrespectful, Dishonest Little Dictators. “It’s hard to steal an idea when someone else knows who the originator is right from the start.”
If you want to confront your boss about his/her unethical behavior, Haight offers some suggestions on her Web site, BigBadBoss.com.
• Keep an “audit trail of how you came up with the idea and developed it into a workable asset.”
• Keep a careful record of all emails and memos that document the completion of your work.
• Send your boss a written memo, email it if you like, asking how s/he was able to take credit for the work that you did. Be diplomatic and expect that the response you get will most likely be unsatisfactory.
Unfortunately, confronting a thieving boss will in most cases, lead to negative results. The aggrieved employee will likely be retaliated against or bullied into resigning in many instances.
Still, if you’re ready to face the possibility of being discharged, confronting your boss is still a good way to regain a modicum of your self-respect. But if you’re afraid of getting fired, you can just sit tight and hope that the poor ethics of your boss eventually catches up to him/her.
Friendly and likable bosses can appear at first to be the “cool” boss. They often come across as a work buddy, more so than one in a leadership position. While this may seem like an ideal scenario for many people, there are distinct reasons why some bosses work this way.
For one, trying to be popular is often a sign of someone who lacks confidence. It can be deceptive because they’re so damn likeable but in truth, bosses who work too hard to gain respect from their subordinates ultimately end up losing it. A good boss should work to be respected, not liked because part of good management involves making tough decisions, which is often unpopular.
“I have seen what seemed like wonderful working relationships go sour over and over, because of the friendship that develops,” says Lynn Brown, an SEO consultant at Canzdesign.com. “The boss doesn’t like to point out errors in case that affects the friendship and then ends up resenting the employee.”
In the event that you happen to report to one of these friendly bosses, try to remember that they have firing power. No matter how approachable and accommodating they may seem at first, never underestimate their position by taking advantage of a nice boss’s friendly persona. They may grant you the days off but it’s very possible that they internally resent you for it. If given the chance, there is a very strong possibility that they will choose to exercise their right to fire if they feel you don’t respect them
A boss who is constantly hovering over you, calling you over, checking up on you, is a micromanaging boss. This kind of boss is controlling because they lack confidence in their own abilities and as a result, resort to over-managing. These bosses are not only incapable of managing personnel they’re often incompetent in their own duties and often typify the Peter Principle, a theory that a manager is promoted to a level of incompetence. The micromanager is often lazy, expecting subordinates to do all the work, including his/her own duties.
Tim Mayeur, a Millennial employee shares his experience with a micro-manager who insisted on his employees’ participating in decision-making exercises. “They asked us to rationalize our decisions while he picked them apart,” Mayeur says. He also recalls that everyone’s phone calls were monitored—even employees’ bathroom breaks were marked on the office white board.
“This micromanager did absolutely zero work nor contributed anything to the job in three years, utilizing politics to stay in the position, would tell people that they were responsible for things they weren’t,” he says.
Many employees feel trapped and greatly stressed out when they’re over-managed. Bad leadership also creates a barrier between the boss and the employees and this also creates distrust in the work environment. The worst part about working with such an employer is that most often, these bosses cannot be reasoned with: Anything you say to contradict a micromanager can be seen as insubordination, which can easily land you in termination territory.
So unless you’re prepared for the worst-case scenario, the best advice here is to just grin and bear it until a better job comes along.
The bullying boss
Workplace bullying, more damaging than sexual harassment
A boss, who threatens employees, uses scare tactics, makes unfounded accusations, screams and abuses, is a workplace bully and one of the most harmful types of people to deal with. Employees who contend on daily basis with a bullying boss have suffered serious mental and health consequences as a result of being exposed to abusive behaviors.
According to WBI-Zogby U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey, 54 million Americans are bullied each year and the effect of workplace abuse on employees was more detrimental to their health than that of sexual harassment.
Beverly Peterson, a documentary filmmaker based in New York, suffered similarly at the hands of an abusive boss. “In little more than two years, my boss bullied her way through six or more employees in the same position before me. The better I was at my job, the better she got at being a bully and the more outrageous her behavior became,” she recalls.
When Peterson contacted an attorney, she was told that workplace bullying was in fact legal and that there was really nothing she could do. Peterson was so traumatized by her experience with a bullying boss that she began a crusade to end workplace abuse. She started filming the experiences of other victims in an effort to raise awareness on this issue and its devastating effects on employees: She is also the founder of nojobisworththis.com, a Web site that explores workplace abuses.
“This is about those rogue bosses who have slithered their way up through the cracks in the corporate ladder. The ones determined to target one employee after another and emotionally destroy them. In the schoolyard we learned to stand up to a bully. But in the workplace, the… same approach might cost you your job, benefits, savings, and your health,” Peterson says.
Now the government is stepping in to combat workplace harassment: New York State is working on passing a bill to study the affect of hostile work environments. There are laws to protect employees against discrimination and sexual harassment but no specific law protecting workers against workplace abuse and bullying. This study bill will be the first step in implementing an anti-bullying policy against employers. In parts of Canada and Europe, anti-workplace abuse law is in full effect.
“Everybody knows the difference between right and wrong. If people cannot go to work because they’re sick to their stomach everyday and because they’re being taken advantage of, or they’re being yelled at, these things are wrong and we’re asking the Department of Labor, in a comprehensive way, to help us,” says NY Assemblyman Mark Schroeder. State Senator Ruth Hassell-Thompson links workplace abuse as a form of domestic violence.
Peterson believes that if appropriate laws are enacted, bullying and abusive bosses can be put on guard and eventually stopped.
“I can’t wait for the public forum this will create in allowing all of us… to address this issue from a legal standpoint. I’d like to see this include business leaders, HR representatives, advocates and researchers,” Peterson says. “Most aggressive managers can change their behavior when faced with a truly firm understanding that this behavior will not be tolerated by upper management. For me, the law steps in to protect the employee in cases when the management is unwilling to”
Tracey and Kali’s Law chronicles the after effects of a single mother Tracey, whose boss threatened her with isolation and psychological intimidation. After leaving the job, Tracey suffered severe depression, lost her home, and savings.
Marlene’s Law tells the story of a woman whose boss terrorized her so much that she ultimately committed suicide.
This is the boss who “buddies up” to subordinates by taking employees out for lunch, buying them the occasional coffee or delegating assignments in a way that is suspiciously too comfortable and easy-going. If these signs match that off your own boss, it’s very possible that you’ve got a two-faced boss ready to show an ugly side.
If a male boss is buddying up with female subordinates that can easily signal a boss that’s taking an interest in items that aren’t work-related. The last thing any a woman needs is unwanted attention from a boss so be very careful when being greeted with overly friendly gestures from a male supervisor.
An insecure manager may turn to putting on two-faces to accommodate different work dynamics. S/he may smile and cozy up to upper-level management while screaming and micromanaging the subordinates.
It’s also possible that double-sided bosses may change faces depending on the fluctuating facets of the work environment. The manager may suffer from a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome in which s/he may be sort that cannot handle the pressure of time management and resort to contrasting personalities. In the calm of the storm, this type of boss will be the sweetest and most accommodating of people but during moments of the storm itself, s/he will morph into a Mr. Hyde character shouting, accusing and threatening subordinates
The best advice for working under such unpredictable managers is to keep a back up copy of all your work and to keep others on the update of your progress. That way, accusations can be backed up and there will be a copy of your work in case your boss pretends not to have received it. And always smile while keeping an eye in the back of your head.
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We spend 40-plus hours of week at work so it comes as no surprise that the office is the number one destination spot for singles looking to make a love connection. But most people are ambivalent about mixing business with pleasure and if the relationship sours, one or both of you could be in jeopardy of losing a good job. What’s a lovelorn employee to do?
“Office romance enhances something called ‘engagement’ which is the Holy Grail of an employee’s commitment to a company’s success,” says Stephanie Losee, co-author of the book, Office Mate: The Employee Handbook for Finding— and Managing— Romance on the Job. Losee and her writing partner Helaine Olen, have been married for 16 years to men they met at work. “We weren’t looking for love at work, but it just turned out that’s where we were meeting the men we ended up dating. Of course we had both heard the warnings about how God awful it’s supposed to be.”
According to an online poll conducted by the Society of Human Research Management (SHRM) and CareerJournal.com, a Web site of The Wall Street Journal, 40 percent of workers engaged in office romance and 42 percent of those ultimately got married.
So if you’re in a work environment in which there are many more attractive coworkers than you cacan count, is it truly okay to pursue love while hammering out the edits on the article due for that week’s deadline?
Brad Pitt met Angelina Jolie on the set of a movie and today they have six children together. Possibly the greatest example of romancing the coworker is that of Michelle and Barack Obama who met as associates at a corporate law firm. The story of their office romance began with Mrs. Obama’s one month long refusal to accept the romantic gestures of the future president over concern that a relationship would be deemed inappropriate— she was his advisor at the time. Thankfully, she caved in to the charms of Barack Obama and the rest they say is history.
“HR professionals who say they are firmly against all office romance are perhaps not divulging the degree to which they recognize its ubiquity and benefits to the company,” Losee points out.
Research from SHRM shows that while company HR verbally frown upon interoffice relationships, a 72 percent of companies do not have an existing written or verbal policy prohibiting romantic relationships between their workers.
It’s tragic to think what would have happened, or not happened, if Michelle and Barack Obama’s law firm had a “no love between coworkers” policy.
Still, if you’re considering a relationship with a colleague or are currently in one, here are some tips to keep in mind for a successful professional and personal relationship.
5. Coworkers involved in romance tend to work better and more efficiently together because they’re involved. They will often bring the work home and collaborate better in the workplace as a result of the time they spend together— there’s a 20 percent increase in productivity after a couple falls in love, Losee adds. “When both paychecks are coming from the same corporation, you can imagine the importance to the couple in helping that corporation succeed. Everybody wins,” she says.
4. Do understand that making your work a priority is a great way to make a positive impression on the coworker that has your attention. Use this as an excuse to collaborate, exchange ideas, and produce great work. You’ll not only have your love’s attention, you’ll have the adoration of your boss as well.
3. Do use the work environment to gauge a future mate’s character. If you’ve got a coworker who works hard, is open and honest with their opinions but not overly critical, you’ve got yourself a winner. Stay in close proximity with your coworker love interest and with any luck you’ll both rocket to the top together.
2. “Make sure your romance has a life outside the office and that you weren’t driven into each other’s arms because you are the battle-scarred victims of a rotten boss,” advises Losee. If you’re coming together purely for work reasons, there’s a strong possibility that the relationship will fizzle outside of the office. You’re probably spending too much time on work projects so make time to enjoy each other’s personal interests and hobbies outside of the office.
1. Do make your job and its duties your number one priority. As long as you can be realistic about your expectations of the relationship, you should be fine if it doesn’t work out. All good things do sometimes come to an end, but it doesn’t mean your responsibility as a worker ends too.
Five reasons that romancing the coworker is a don’t
You’ve read all the reasons to pursue love on the job but now it’s time to seriously think about the repercussions that this can have on your future with the company. While there’s no denying the joy of being in a romantic relationship with a colleague, there are some very obvious perils of mixing business with pleasure— for employees and employers alike.
Likewise David Letterman has gotten himself into a bind with his office romances. The best thing about these celebrity sex scandals is for you to learn what not to do.
“I have a pure generalization that I think people should try to live by at work— ‘no fishing off the company pier.’ I also had a manager who used to say, ‘don’t get your honey where you make your money,’” says Chris Rafter, senior human resources professional. “In my opinion people should soberly consider whether getting into a relationship is worth what may be at risk,” he says.
Here are some tips on things you should not do when it comes to office romance:
5. Don’t go chasing coworkers if your intention is just for a casual hook-up. People go to work to earn a living and people go to bars for a drink and a good time. Your job is not the place for pick-ups and quickie office flings. It hurts the integrity of the workplace and your reputation as a serious worker— not to mention that you could be putting yourself at risk for a sexual harassment suit if you play the field with too many coworkers.
4. “Don’t use company email, IM, or text. These technologies are not private,” Losee warns. So remind yourself and your sweetheart that while you are at work, you should not be using the company Internet to exchange romantic or sexually explicit emails.
3. Try not to get involved in a relationship in which one partner is a boss and the other is a subordinate. According to the SHRM research, most workers discouraged this type of pairing— 80 percent of employers and 60 percent of employees agreed that this was off limits.
Definitely do not get involved if one or more of the interested parties are married and/or involved in a committed relationship. Hold tight and withhold from acting on your desires because the consequences of being found out could end with one or both of you having to leave your jobs.
2. “It’s called an office romance because you met at work, but that doesn’t mean you conduct your romance at the office,” says Losee. While sex on the job has the thrill of secrecy and intrigue as Hollywood would like to have you believe— you saw the sexual escapades of Jennifer Aniston and Jake Gyllenhall in the storage room of Retail Rodeo in the film The Good Girl— in reality, this kind of behavior is bound to land you and your partner in trouble with the coworkers and the bosses. Coworkers who publicly flaunt their love are prime targets for office gossip and this will inevitably filter back to the management, which is never a good thing.
Radiah K. Givens, a social media strategist met her husband on the job five years ago and says that the best thing that she did was to keep their relationship private. “Office romance can work… if one compartmentalizes the workplace and your private life,” she explains. “No one ever knew we were dating because we stayed away from each other during work hours. When we got married it was truly a jaw dropper because… we kept it on the down low for two years,” Givens says.
1. Don’t get jealous if one partner gets promoted over the other. Competition between lovers can cause a major rift in any relationship. Losee recommends reminding yourself that you started the relationship as office buddies. “If your best friend got a promotion, how would you behave? Would you be petty, would you act jealous? No, you would be happy for your friend—genuinely happy.”
If tension continues to brew over the success of one partner, it’s likely that a long-term personal and professional relationship is not going to succeed for either of you. It doesn’t matter that your professional successes are measured by the same meter in the same company— couples who can’t be supportive of one another’s success is not a well-matched pair and should look elsewhere for fulfillment.
So do remember that office romance can and has worked for many couples. But also remember that there is a lot more at stake than just a broken heart. So before you start pursuing that attractive coworker with all the right words and ideas during meetings, do think it over and ask yourself, is this office love worth your job, if it came down to it?
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Lately, companies everywhere are using 
young workers to manage the older and more experienced ones. But in an economic downturn it makes sense that older workers get shed from company payroll to be replaced by younger workers with less experience and less onerous salary demands. And for some this isn’t always been a bad thing. A research conducted by 
when the older worker is passed over for the same or similar position. Jealousy plays a large part in creating tension in a multi-generational workforce: Older workers often feel usurped by a younger, vibrant worker with a completely different set of skills and ethics.
